VITA
I can’t look back on the year. Because it felt like years.
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Archive for December, 2010
I can’t look back on the year. Because it felt like years.
I had a dream last night that I went to New York. And lived there for a few months.
When I was dreaming it felt so real and it felt so right. It didn’t feel like I had much of a past or future–only the present was important.
…
This morning I woke up and my world manifested in the form of my old room back in Malaysia. I call it old but really, how could it be old if there was no new? Dreams are not real, therefore that new world I had dwelled in was not real.
And so I get up and out of bed, and start to take in the jumble of dreams and reality mixed and intertwined in my mind. And I realize that perhaps there is only a very fine line between fantasy and reality. And that has been one of my problems for a while.
…
I take my orange Myvi out for a drive like I always do, to find that I am driving as I always do, except the dream has left me a little bit rusty in skill. But it was only a dream.. it was only a dream…
Cos all of the stars are fading away,
Just try not to worry you’ll see them some day.
Just take what you need and be on your way,
And stop crying your heart out.
As much as I am looking forward to going home, I realize it is not home I am looking forward to seeing. I have no home. No place can contain me. Because I belong to nowhere. Home is a place of dwelling, a place where you feel safe, a place where you feel most at home. When you say you are overseas and you say you are going back home, what do you mean by that?
Do you mean you are going back to your place of dwelling?
Do you mean you are going back to where you come from?
Do you mean you are going to be reunited with people you love and care for?
Do you mean you will feel safe once you are back to where you started?
I have never felt at home before, and perhaps that is why I do not understand the meaning of the phrase “missing home”. And that is why I do not hesitate leaving home. To return to the place you once longed to leave…. A place where people told you you’d only miss once you were gone. NO. They are wrong. Their journey is not my journey. Their dreams are not my dreams. Their hopes are not mine to carry.
I don’t think I will ever hesitate leaving home. And the truth is, I don’t think I will ever hesitate leaving a place behind. Sometimes that extends to leaving people behind. Because it’s so much easier to leave… than to turn back and face the reality of it all.
there are times when I want to delete everything about me.
because they matter to nobody, and not even me.
because everybody pretends to be somebody.
and somebody always means everybody.
if everybody is the same then we are nobody.
nobody is perfect equilibrium.
equilibrium is peaceful.
it’s peaceful.
it’s peaceful?
So peaceful.
This will be a boring recap of things gone by (backward chronology):
– There are exactly 20 more days till the day of my arrival in KLIA. It sounds short, because it really is.
– This semester really flew by, faster than I ever thought it would. Just 2-3 weeks ago we had to pick our Spring classes already. By the end of this month, Summer classes even.
– Thanksgiving break was spent half in DC, half lazing in NY =P
– Well, the black dudes are pretty entertaining and professional though they perform on the streets. I would have given them a ten or twenty if I did have cash on me at the time.
– I can’t spend moments in Washington Square Park anymore because it’s so effing cold. And the piano guy has collaborated with the black dudes to perform for money during weekend afternoons. I assume they have to practice, so no more free concerts in the evenings anymore =(
– Halloween was effing cold outside. But it was an interesting experience in the Village.
– Anything before Halloween, must have been filled with midterms and WTE (perpetual nagging old hag).
– *thinking thinking feeling feeling*
I’ve thought about it. And my final answer is:
Love
is
.
of human bondage 