Archive for the ‘ feelings ’ Category

I suspect that I am going through an Acceptance phase

Reflecting on my time here in SG, I was probably just having a really long spell of culture shock. Shocking I know, to think that a Malaysian could have culture shock in Singapore, but I had underestimated how much I had changed since living in the States. Now it makes sense why I felt like everything that was different I hated. Everything that was not like NYC, I despised.

I am much more accustomed to things now, and I am also much more aware of cultural differences. Somewhere somehow, I stopped feeling like a zombie. Yet I do not exactly feel as alive as I had felt in the States. Where and what am I? Am I in limbo?

I just know that my destiny has to be closely tied to Asia is all. Wherever and however I end up, at least I can say it is, was and will be an adventure. Embrace destiny!

 

 

2018
04/29
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feelings
reflections
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Only one day..

at a time, is possible for me.

It will almost be 2 years now since I moved from NYC to Singapore. My *updated* reflections/takeaways?

On my Post-NYC Bout of Depression:

  1. One goes through cycles of depression and contentness, and that is normal
  2. My quality of relationships here are abysmal relative to what I used to have, and that I am also coining normal for various reasons
  3. I do not crave going to artsy fartsy cultural and local events anymore because I have set such low standards that I do not see the point
  4. I cannot be the only one

On Self-Growth Despite the Depression:

  1. I have a new perspective now because of this forced growth
  2. I have a stronger direction career-wise because of the path I’ve taken
  3. I have come to realize that maybe this is just Life as an adult
  4. But then again, why should I accept a life I do not want? There is no reason to if I can help it.

 

2018
04/15
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anti-feelings
feelings
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[caged] animal

# include <my_humanity.h>

char animal = “I am” ;

// once wild and free; now anchored down.

while( I am here )

{

printf( “I feel caged”) ;

}

\n

\n

\n

\n

\n

…

2018
03/11
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feelings
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consummation

What does it mean to be consumed in the darkness? This blog has been around quite a while now, has it not? But not once have I explained the rationale behind its name. I basically took the Romantic idea that humans are made up of light particles from Star Trek Beyond, where humans are zapped and converted into energy and then reconverted into matter after during the process of transportation. And because light is so free and easy going looking, whereas we are trapped in our physical bodies and stunted by limitations, I feel like we are essentially one trapped chunk of light or energy particles, waiting to escape from our shackles and break free from earth. Hence the name… one trapped light.

The question is whether I let that trappedness define me or will the state of trappedness allow me to define who I am… I suppose. Free will or predetermination? Or both at the same time. Time’s a ticking and it’s time to choose to be strong, or be engulfed in the darkness, trapped forever…

 

2017
02/19
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events
feelings
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Truly Living

This is kind of crazy to say.. But I think my entire existence of life has really just been an entire lesson on how to live a good life. When I say good I suppose for me it should be happy, slightly content yet discontenting (a challenge), as well as authentic.

There have been moments and people in my life that have really jolted me awake from my auto pilot slumber and depression. There have been periods with new and exciting people that have challenged how I think about life and ideas. And there has been Delaware.

I do not quite know the full extent of how Delaware has jolted me. But possibly maybe, it could have been the best thing to happen to me so far. Because I have never quite been so content to live in the present as now. That one steep fall to death really preceded a new me. An initially angrier and more desperate me that eventually grew to be more patient yet maintaining that hungry desperation, now I understand means a hardier and wiser version of me.

What it really means to be living…. People truly truly matter. Lives truly truly matter. And I suppose the strangest thing to come out of my mouth these 25 years now.. That I truly matter to me.

2016
03/22
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feelings
musings
reflections
time
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it’s just goodbye.

“You get a strange feeling when you’re about to leave a place, I told him, like you’ll not only miss the people you love but you’ll miss the person you are now at this time and this place, because you’ll never be this way ever again.” Reading Lolita in Tehran, Azar Nafisi

P1: This is just goodbye for now. Don’t worry, we will see each other again.

P2: I won’t say that this is not goodbye, because that is simply not true.

P1: Don’t be so harsh now.. you don’t always have to put things in such blunt terms. It’s such a beautiful full moon tonight that it’d be a shame to ruin it.

P2: Goodbye means I may or may not see you again, but if we do then it will be in a different setting and with us as very different people. So for the two of us standing here crying and hugging each other goodbye, this is goodbye for good, because this scene will never repeat and play back again; you will never be the same quotidianly familiar person to me going forward and I will never be 24 and this idealistic again. Let’s not kid ourselves.

P1: Well, if you put it that way…

P2: I’m not putting it any way except the way it actually is. I don’t like bending the truth and blurring the lines. I like things to be given to me straight and true.

P1: To be or not to be, that is the question.

P2: Be what? That is the question.

P1: Be mad with you. After all, you are ruining our last night here together by being so sulky and pessimistic.

P2: I am not being sulky; I am just being realistic. I mean, how did you expect our last night here to be like? There sure isn’t any more romance left in these parts, because reality is coming right after us at the stroke of twelve. Like Cinderella, our fluffy dreams of carriages will turn into pumpkins and leave us to clean up the the entire patch of mess.

P1: Well at least we can clean it up together!

P2: No, that is not possible. We must go our separate ways after twelve.

P1: Must we? I really don’t want to.

P2: It’s not a choice for us to want or not. Life has tapped us on our shoulders and turned our heels upon different paths now. Our time together e’ finito! Tutti morti..   Tutti frutti..

P1: I see how it is.. you just don’t want me here anymore! Don’t blame it on stupid pumpkin patches and life personified. We are the only persons standing here trying or not trying to work things out. We are the masters of our time!

P2: [quietly] And time is up..

P2: Silly silly… silly. You still don’t get it but you will soon enough.

P1: Don’t patronize me. I am not silly; I am just not a coward.

P2: MoooOOOoooOOOoooo…!!!

P1: Stop it. No use crying over split milk. I’m just feeling so sour and rotten now that I just want to go home. Tell the coward I said goodbye forever. I am udderly mad.

P2: WAIT.

P1: What am I waiting for? God? oh! No.. spare me the waiting. Inaction will kill me tick by tick.

P2: I just thought you would like to have this..

P1: What is it? A USB stick? It’s cute… and of utility, so thank you?

P2: Promise me you will never forget me.

P1: Promise me you will never forget you.

 

 

 

2015
12/27
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crossroads
feelings
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Amphibians

I opened the front door of my apartment building today and felt the calm chill greet me with a lackadaisical care of my existence. Was it the air that was rushing in to vent my space or was it the other way around — for I had felt at that moment that my simple, quiet intrusion had caused a ripple that truly meant nothing to the world around me. But I had to stand there and take it all in for a few seconds at least; as tribute, as homage, to our city and our fates intertwined. Door hinged midway like the symbolic opening and closing of a chapter in a book — same book nevertheless but definitely a neatly tied up ending that had run its course. The only thing propping that last sentimental page up was my questionably straight, solitary arm in the doorway of life — of the most deliberate few tributary seconds of my life. That delaying, that procrastinating, that solidifying of the moment was like instant gratification as I breathed in the velvet wintery New York City air on the morning of February 9th of 2015, when I was finally performing instead of speaking my acceptance and acknowledgment of my helplessness in this vast life of change. And stepping down those royal steps of life, one walks tall and hardened at the same time — cold yet warmed by the vicissitudes and circumstances we are born into, and one emerges a half-formed amphibian — perpetually walking on land and attempting to swim in the sweeping waters of life.

I did not remember the door closing behind me on that saturated Monday morning, but I know that it certainly did and I certainly let it without putting up any instance of a fight.

2015
02/09
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anti-feelings
crossroads
feelings
fictional
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if you’re not the one

some feelings can be very… intriguing. Sometimes the heart can tell you things that contradict all sorts of reason and rationale.

Reason goes through processes, systems of logic that eliminate possibilities and (hopefully) ultimately points towards the most efficient and effective solution. 

The Heart cuts through the entire system like a knife slicing into melted butter, and gets straight to the heart (no pun intended) of the problem/issue regardless of the cost.

To illustrate the difference, there’s a befitting quote in 13 going 30 (the movie) where Matt tells Jenna that he can’t marry her and that “You don’t always get the dream house, but you get awfully close, you know?” In this case, Reason gets you close to the house of your dreams in a relatively easier and less messy manner, while the Heart wants only that one dream house and will settle for nothing less or more than what it wants, regardless of what anyone else thinks and what the obstacles or odds are.

Let’s leave at this for now. 

2014
07/07
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feelings
musings
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true story I swear
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Betrayal

I am a coward: In love. In life.

I am only brave in my dreams, in my words, in my own world.

Full of Essence. With Substance lacking.

I am not afraid of being myself.

I am afraid of betraying myself.

2014
05/06
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crossroads
feelings
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So Real

E tu mi fa sento

con la tua faccia bella

e una sorrisa di sparire–

che dovrei fare?–

Il mio primo sorgente di

Essere.

2014
05/04
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feelings
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Watchy Watchy

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