Been thinking a lot more of my career of late. One of my favorite things to look up when in doubt on how to start thinking of a subject deeply (useful when writing papers), is to look up its etymology. I suppose I like going back to the roots of the word and having an idea of how its usage and context has changed or not changed over the years.

Career — mid 16th century (denoting a road or racecourse): from French carrière, from Italian carriera, based on Latin carrus ‘wheeled vehicle’.

Used as a verb in the contemporary sense:

move swiftly and in an uncontrolled way in a specified direction.

In the sense I am thinking of, perhaps swiftly is welcome… but only just ideally. Uncontrolled… probably means unpredictable, and specified… would be correct if one knew where they were driving towards. So.. it ultimately boils down to whether one knows where they are driving towards, me thinks.

Direction. Road. Course. Speed. Velocity. Way. <— words popping into mind after looking up ‘career’s etymology.

But I suppose the real takeaway of all this.. is knowing why you are driving towards where you are driving instead of merely setting a destination and flooring the gas pedal.

These times around, I want to be really honest with myself and ask “why do I want to do this job?” and delivering that same authentic answer to any interviewer because it’s the goddamn truth. And then after delivering this authentic answer… I then ask myself deep down and behind closed doors if the ‘why’ is what I really want (in the moment/present time), and why do I want what I want. And then I cannot help but dig even deeper and ask myself, is this want ‘moral’, or more specifically, does it benefit society/the people I want to benefit? (let’s be honest, we only learn to care about specific issues that have a personal impact on us regardless of whether those issues are on the highest or lowest world priority in terms of needing fixing/help)

but why should I want my want to be ‘moral’ you ask?

Should I think of kinks/unwanted effects in economic systems as immoral, or merely as inherent flaws? Is actively perpetuating the system knowing its devastating violence on others, immoral? Or is there diffused responsibility because everybody is ultimately enveloped under that system? Because my personal tenet in life is to let others be/think what they want, so long as they do not harm myself or other people in the process. However, when you find that it is the inherent characteristics of a system that harm people… and you have no choice but to exist and try to thrive in that system, then it seems like all of mankind is stuck in some sort of Hunger Games arena, where the line between necessity and immorality are blurred. Active participation aside, there are still a zillion things you unwillingly do or passively partake in that ultimately harms/ruins another life in another part of the world and that is inevitable! And you ask me why I think God is fucked up and is an asshole for creating Life in the first place!

>>> fleshing my thoughts on these are hard… and probably will do with many other rounds of editing………..

Today I had a dream:

I had to pick up the phone to call him

he sounded different and with an American accent

he had a daughter instead of a son

he was distant

I was optimistic

he hung up on me

and texted a half-assed excuse right away

I woke up, and cannot differentiate

between the reality and the fantasy of it —

any longer.

Sometimes I really wonder (ok maybe it’s everyday), how much of myself turns up as a caffeine – free me throughout the waking hours of my day.  As I’m doing the calculations in my mind, the chances of crossing 30%… seem just about right. Quite hilarious to think of imo.

Other updates in my life? Persian classes have started for me.. trying to muster enough time and will power to pull through the CFA.. thinking about the future and willing some effort and faith in it. Gotten a recent taking to bourbon (on the rocks of course). Came back from my Peru trip and can now officially cross Machu Picchu off my list. Oh and, cherry on top of the icing–did I tell you my boss gave me a bottle of vodka for new years? Lmao..