Archive for the ‘ reflections ’ Category

I suspect that I am going through an Acceptance phase

Reflecting on my time here in SG, I was probably just having a really long spell of culture shock. Shocking I know, to think that a Malaysian could have culture shock in Singapore, but I had underestimated how much I had changed since living in the States. Now it makes sense why I felt like everything that was different I hated. Everything that was not like NYC, I despised.

I am much more accustomed to things now, and I am also much more aware of cultural differences. Somewhere somehow, I stopped feeling like a zombie. Yet I do not exactly feel as alive as I had felt in the States. Where and what am I? Am I in limbo?

I just know that my destiny has to be closely tied to Asia is all. Wherever and however I end up, at least I can say it is, was and will be an adventure. Embrace destiny!

 

 

Coming to terms with this place

8 months into Singapore now. Few more months and it’ll be a year.

My verdict on this place is that it’s not my dream city, though I’ll make do for the next 2 years, especially since the money here does allow me to travel and pursue certain personal development goals like learning Spanish, tennis etc. On top of that, work is fairly interesting and I’m learning a lot which is great! Plus I have someone with me here now, so… it’s really not too bad.

The reason I wanted to blog today though, is because I just finished Brave New World, and realized in the final few chapters the uncanny similarities between Singapore and the Age of Ford. TBH there are a lot of things going on in the book that I probably need to reread, but here are some of my favorite/most striking and pertinent quotes:

…you can’t make tragedies without social instability. The world’s stable now. People are happy … They’re well off; they’re safe… they’re so conditioned that they practically can’t help behaving as they ought to behave.

On censorship and safety in Singapore (at all costs). These costs that I see are mostly subconscious social constraints, through brainwashing in school and the media. Of course every country has some brainwashing on its own citizens, but there’s just some semi-dangerous undercurrent running through this country’s veins that one has to see/observe to believe

But that’s the price you have to pay for stability. You’ve got to choose between happiness and what people used to call high art … Actual happiness actually looks pretty squalid in comparison with the over-compensations for misery. And, of course stability isn’t nearly so spectacular as instability … being contented has none of the glamour of the good fight against misfortune … Happiness is never grand. 

I guess what is being said, is that trials and tribulations in life are always a lot more “exciting” than the stable and purely happy, peaceful days. And in order to preserve that boring stability/happiness, all that is exciting needs to be purged from the people’s subconscious vocabulary such that instability just will not exist.

He can’t help himself; he’s fore-doomed. Even after decanting, he’s still inside a bottle — an invisible bottle of infantile and embryonic fixations.

That’s nature and nurture at play — us being squeezed by predetermination from both sides.

[Main character’s disapproval on humans going for Violent Passion Surrogate (VPS) once a month to flood the system with adrenaline without humans undergoing any of the emotional baggage]

John: But I like the inconveniences … But I don’t want comfort. I want God, I want poetry, I want real danger, I want freedom, I want goodness. I want sin.

Mond: In fact, you’re claiming the right to be unhappy.

Amazing — because it’s so true. I guess I’ve lived with so much of reality and excitement for so long, that the duplicitous happiness in Brave New World/Singapore just isn’t enough for me. Basically, I want life — not just stability and/or “happiness”.

 

 

 

 

Sports

Today I have officially completed my 2-star kayaking course woohoo!! TBH I has a little skeptical at first as to why I should need a cert from the Singapore Canoe Federation just to kayak in SG (and mind you, that cert is a SG-only requirement -_-). Like if other countries don’t make you pass a test to go around kayaking then why do you need one in SG?!

But I’m glad I did take the courses, because I do feel a lot more confident in the water with kayaking + diving experience now. Like I actually know how to control my movements better, paddle more efficiently and rescue a capsized kayaker if need be. And really, it’s brought me to see a different side of SG where locals come out to dragonboat and paddle in the Marina reservoir under the scorching heat. It was also my first introduction to the humongous National Stadium where one can do all sorts of sport activities there.

The funny thing is I don’t think I ever enjoyed doing sports as a kid, but now that I think back.. perhaps it was because my schools didn’t have the best facilities to expose me to different activities. E.g., I’m not a huge fan of badminton, volleyball, netball, or basketball. These were the only 4 sports that my schools had exposed me to and that’s just so sad. Because as I’m older now I realize that I do enjoy certain sports like water activities (kayaking/diving), racket sports (tennis, squash) etc. Even tennis for example, I took when I was 17 and always in a group setting, which gave me the chance to practice and play with others, but didn’t allow me to rectify my mistakes and play more efficiently. Basically, I lacked guidance in my playing of sports as my parents (just dad really) didn’t teach me very much beyond badminton.

Oh well.. at least I know what I’m interested in now.

calm down

I have adrenal fatigue. And I highly suspect it’s because of the combination of bad luck and high expectations last year of not getting the visa lottery, hating Delaware, disliking my job and general hopelessness of the future. The consequence of that is I get tired more more easily and faster; I also get so drained when I get angry. Basically anything that raises my adrenaline/stress (cortisol?) levels past what they already are (high) is not good unless there’s good stuff there as well. The unintended side effect of that, is that I have had to learn patience and destressing techniques, which are good skills to have in your lifetime anyways.

The Zen… I need the Zen in my life. Hence why I blog/journal really, and swim in the morning. The semi-meditative activities help me recenter myself…

What’s funny is that initially intended to write this post in a more descriptive manner of my daily life. But now that I’m actually writing it I realize at the end of the day what is important is my Zen. All the rest just fades away, and those few grains of wisdom left in my palm are all I need to lead a content and happy life really.

 

Truly Living

This is kind of crazy to say.. But I think my entire existence of life has really just been an entire lesson on how to live a good life. When I say good I suppose for me it should be happy, slightly content yet discontenting (a challenge), as well as authentic.

There have been moments and people in my life that have really jolted me awake from my auto pilot slumber and depression. There have been periods with new and exciting people that have challenged how I think about life and ideas. And there has been Delaware.

I do not quite know the full extent of how Delaware has jolted me. But possibly maybe, it could have been the best thing to happen to me so far. Because I have never quite been so content to live in the present as now. That one steep fall to death really preceded a new me. An initially angrier and more desperate me that eventually grew to be more patient yet maintaining that hungry desperation, now I understand means a hardier and wiser version of me.

What it really means to be living…. People truly truly matter. Lives truly truly matter. And I suppose the strangest thing to come out of my mouth these 25 years now.. That I truly matter to me.

First Day All Over Again

Life has plentiful fresh starts for some. I suppose a fresh start is one of life’s gifts to me that I truly accept and embrace. Not everybody has the chance to live this sort of life – most are perpetually stuck in a situation they cannot get out of.

Regardless of the surface superficiality of it all, I’m raising my glass (empty or full) to this moment. What comes eventually is a matter of my fate and story.

On another note.. today I wanted to say “hip and trendy” but ended up spewing out “trippy”. Lol.

if you’re not the one

some feelings can be very… intriguing. Sometimes the heart can tell you things that contradict all sorts of reason and rationale.

Reason goes through processes, systems of logic that eliminate possibilities and (hopefully) ultimately points towards the most efficient and effective solution. 

The Heart cuts through the entire system like a knife slicing into melted butter, and gets straight to the heart (no pun intended) of the problem/issue regardless of the cost.

To illustrate the difference, there’s a befitting quote in 13 going 30 (the movie) where Matt tells Jenna that he can’t marry her and that “You don’t always get the dream house, but you get awfully close, you know?” In this case, Reason gets you close to the house of your dreams in a relatively easier and less messy manner, while the Heart wants only that one dream house and will settle for nothing less or more than what it wants, regardless of what anyone else thinks and what the obstacles or odds are.

Let’s leave at this for now. 

Betrayal

I am a coward: In love. In life.

I am only brave in my dreams, in my words, in my own world.

Full of Essence. With Substance lacking.

I am not afraid of being myself.

I am afraid of betraying myself.

L’ultimo caffe’

As he reveals in his memoirs, each time he had given up smoking, with the iron resolve that this would be the “ultima sigaretta!!“, he experienced the exhilarating feeling that he was now beginning life over without the burden of his old habits and mistakes. That feeling was, however, so strong that he found smoking irresistible, if only so that he could stop smoking again in order to experience that thrill once more.

 

Taken from Italo Svevo’s confessions. Hahaha… somehow this reminds me of falling in love. The feeling of falling out in order to fall in again after a while. The thrill, the excitement of a lifetime. As for smoking… my Italian Literature professor calls it “the beautiful vice”. Mmm I suppose it is, and I see it even though I don’t actually smoke. My own beautiful vice(s) is coffee and a healthy dose of alcohol.

Posts about MH370 are really tugging at my heart strings, even though I know it’s not really the people in the plane I’m truly sad about. Truth be told the Chinese should be more upset since almost half the plane was Chinese. But I guess what’s making me upset is how it was a Malaysian Airlines plane, pilots, and government that are involved. Yet deep down the saddest and most selfish part of this scenario is where I admit I’m reminiscing my past pains of living in Malaysia. It’s my story I’m feeling in my heart that saddens me and not the narrative of others.

Though one thing I have come to realize is… Malaysians in general are very prone to thinking of themselves as victims or subjects, usually of the government or society. But this tragic incident is the first time we are victims of nobody — there is nobody to blame and for the first time our helplessness cannot be assuaged by pointing fingers and cursing at the government. And perhaps this is why most of us feel burdened by this loss, not only because of the sadness of losing people we care for but because we are reminded once more of how helpless we are, just in a completely different context.